So this happened. I booked a flight to Bali. One Way. The apartment is rented. It is definite. All with travel insurance, of course (better safe than sorry, this is so Swiss). But I plan to take this flight. One Way. Roller coster of emotions. I could cry, laugh, scream, vomit.
Because on one hand I get excited like a little kid. To everything that is coming. To a new country. New apartment. New job. New people. New opportunities. New challenges. New me? And all of this in this beautiful spot on earth that I have fallen madly in love with. Bali. Island of gods. This magical place that I get to call home in 4 months. The home that I have chosen for myself. Where I want to spend my life. Definitely I want to try.
On the other hand it hurts. Because I leave a lot behind. The place where I grew up. Where I did my education. Where I was allowed to make all my experiences. Where I found love. Where I was at home. For so long. So long until I realized that this is not home anymore. That I don't lead a life here that I want. And realizing that hurts. It hurts everywhere. Because it means letting go of everything you think you know and love. And finding everything all over again.
And who can tell me that I will find it again? Will I have such wonderful friends again? Friends who stand by me with lots of Rosé wine and a big smile when I'm down? Will I laugh as much? Like on those long evenings on our favourite party spots with mainstream music from the juke box? And will I love again? Love unconditionally, the way you love a soulmate? The kind of love you usually only see in Hollywood movies, that makes you drive to the hospital in the middle of the night in lingerie under your coat? The kind of love that makes you forget everything once you're with that person?
The answer is; I don't know. I don't know what to expect there. How I will spend my days. With whom I will spend my days. And this not knowing is incredibly scary. It's a fear that makes me wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. What if I make the biggest mistake of my life?
Okay. Stop. Inhale. Exhale. Nothing is definitive. Not black or white. Because if it turns out to be the biggest mistake, surely I can always come back. An important realization that emigrants have to tell themselves again and again (at least that's what the guidebook said). But honestly, I wish from the bottom of my heart that it won't be so. Why?
Because I'm not going through an early midlife crisis or just want to get out of a boring life. But because I have made a decision after much brooding, breaking my head, sleepless nights and tears. A decision that has nothing to do with other people. A decision only for me. It is the decision I made on the one big question: Does my life make me happy?
There are people who never ask themselves this question. I suppose these are the fewest. There are those who ask it and can answer, Yes, with a big smile on their face. There are those who are too afraid to face the fact that the answer might be, No. There are those who face this fact but currently see no way out of their situation or lack the courage to really change anything about it. And there are the people, among whom I may now count myself, who face this painful No, turn inwards, gather all the courage within themselves and change something about their situation.
This is not to say that everyone who is not currently living his dream life, must immediately change something, let alone, should immediately emigrate to Bali. Because sometimes life is not a bed of roses. Perhaps one must change single details such as the job, the surrounding field, the hobby or the apartment. But there should be a certainty that the life you lead has the potential to make you 100% happy. And sometimes it happens that this potential is not there. That too much is missing. To put it clearly, suddenly the feeling pops up: I don't belong here.
The follow-up question is of course: Where do I belong then? Everyone has to answer that for themselves. I didn't have to think twice. Bali. And all those who might think: Cliché. Everyone wants a life in the warmth, on the beach under palm trees, that's the dream. But it is not reality. This is not a normal life. Well then I can think of two things. First, if it really is your dream, go for it. And second, who the fuck defines a normal life? Who says that a dream can not become reality just because it doesn't comply the norms? I for my part, try to make my dream my reality. And how this reality will look like, we'll see. But probably nobody can tell, who hasn't done it yet. I chose Bali, as it is the place place that tells me this is where I belong (although the beach and the palm trees might help).
And exactly this indescribable feeling, this inexplicable certainty that I can (and will) live the life there that has the potential to make me truly happy, helps. It helps to take courage. It helps to overcome fear.
Which doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. What helps with the pain? Little. But I look at it this way - at least I try. Everything I've found and learned here that makes me the person I am, all the happy moments, all the people, all the love, all that I take with me. And so I hope and I know that I will not lose my relationships. For better or worse, they will change because we will no longer be sipping way too much Rosé on Ice together every week, rough up the student bar, dancing our feet off, jumping into the glittering Lake Zurich or paying way too much for the oatmeal latte at the latest hipster café - oh Zuri I'll miss you. But even if the shared experiences fail, the memories, the conversations, the feelings remain.
And I take that with me. Carry it in my heart. Every day. And so, in certain moments, I will pour myself a glass of Rosé by myself and grab my phone to listen intently to their stories, to laugh with them, to support them and they will too. And I'll know that I haven't lost anything. Because that's what relationships are really about. That we are always there for each other. That we are part of each other. Because we love each other. No matter what. Even 15,000 km distance can't change that.