The other day I was having dinner with one of my best friends. Two cocktails down. Bottle of wine open on the table. And while we were eating our really good, but totally overpriced oven squash (that's so Zurich), it was, as so often, about men. And about sex. Both.
To be honest here: Dear men, we women talk about you. A lot. And we know everything. Really everything. This often leads to awkward situations where we have to put on a poker face so that our girlfriend's new guy doesn't notice that we know exactly what's going on below his waistline. Sorry, that's just the way it is.
So during pumpkin and Riesling it was about our dear friends of the opposite sex, once again. How we love and hate them. After discussing her and my situation thoroughly, I noted: 'It's insane that there always has to be a story. Whether single or in a relationship, somehow everyone has something going on. ' I was right. Whether it concerns me or all my girlfriends: Everyone always has a nice story from their last dating adventure. Even if we have to take out the one guy we had already put in the drawer of tears (an expression of my girlfriend for men, who proved to be absolutely not suitable) together. The main thing is that there is something to occupy us, a story to tell, a daydream to indulge in. The follow-up question was obvious: Why?
My girlfriend shoots the unpleasant truth in my face: 'Because we humans need intimacy. We are not made to be alone.' This a sobering statement, in a time when 'self-love' or 'let them go' marks every second Instareel. Was she right?
I started thinking. Of all my girlfriends. Of all these beautiful women. They were all, despite well-established 'self-love', looking for intimacy. Either in pre-existing relationships, unknown Tinder dates, last week's one-night stand, the ex, or the tear guy.
I couldn't help but wonder. What does intimacy even mean? Wikipedia provides long explanations and distinguishes between many forms that could probably take up an entire philosophy lesson. But even the all-knowing encyclopedia emphasizes the importance of sex: 'Physical closeness, especially sexual closeness, is an expression of special affection and attachment.' So intimacy = affection. Well that this is a natural human need is probably clear to all of us.
When it comes to the partners with whom we share our beds, even if only for one night, they seem to fulfill a certain function (in addition to sexual satisfaction and orgasms, of course): They give us affection and connection. A great feeling. A feeling, however, that, like satisfaction, quickly vanishes. And greedy as we are, we want it again and again. So we do everything to float in this emotional-high again: Quickly drop by the boyfriend, go out for the next flirt, alone at home on Tinder in search of a potential match or drunkenly write to the one-night stand from last week. Anything to feel affection again. To feel intimacy.
And if that's not the case or didn't work, stories are told to the girlfriends. In the past it was fairy tales, today the adult dating life that has little to do with '...and they lived happily ever after'. But like fairy tales, it transports us into the world of the impossible, lets us sink into our fantasies. And this often remains the easiest way to catapult us back into that emotional high. Unfortunately, and I base this statement on good research from my girlfriends, our bed partners often make us feel like they were simply about sex. No affetion. No intimacy. No fairy tale.
'Bullshit,' my girlfriend's opinion another glass of wine later. For men, too, their fuck stories would have a certain function. They also wish for intimacy. It's just harder for them to admit it. Because 'men don't talk'. Whether that's too cliché, a sought-after explanation for when the guy doesn't get in touch with you again, or whether there's really something behind it, I can't tell. How often have I wished I could look into the heads of the guys. Although, to be honest, it would probably be a sobering realization because I couldn't understand how men can reflect so little on their feelings and actions (compared to the tornado of thoughts in a woman's head).
However, if one follows this approach, men seem to swap stories over beer and football, get a 'nice bro' or 'forget her' and don't even ask themselves the question of the function of their dating behavior. Perhaps this is their form of non-corporeal intimacy? It may be that this is all over-interpretation of the female brain and has nothing to do with reality. Men may gladly make reference. But the fact seems to be that there is a big difference in how men and women deal with the question of sex and intimacy.
And I can just tell you, I'm fucking glad to be a woman. Because all these detailed conversations with my girlfriends are, first, incredibly entertaining. Second, they make me relive that short fairy tale moment and make me question if I might use sex to feel intimacy. And third, they create another form of intimacy. Not the physical one. As Wikipedia also marks, 'Intimacy is a subjective phenomenon created by self-disclosure of innermost thoughts and feelings in the presence of another person. '
Well, and that also works without sex.